When to push forward and when to pull back

The Olympics ended about 2 weeks ago, but my mind is still processing all that played out in Tokyo and making sense of the reactions of athletes, media specialists, and spectators. As a former gymnast and coach, I was, of course, very connected to and immersed in the gymnastics portion of the Olympic games and maybe more so this time around due to the unexpected outcomes of the competitions.

As a former gymnast, coach, gym owner, and judge I continue to be captivated and completely immersed when the Olympics arrive every four years (or in this case, five). I am now sitting here as a Licensed mental health professional to add to my experience and thought it might be interesting to share some of my perspectives since I have been engaged in all of these roles (including suffering from the “Twisties” during my gymnastics career). I was struck by the impact that Simone Biles decision made on spectators around the country and the wide range of reactions.

I woke up with my phone alarm at 4 am on Tuesday morning to see the Gymnastics Olympic team final. I was anxious and excited to see the competition and knew that I was a few minutes behind the event starting. I walked out to the living room to watch on my computer so as not to disturb my boyfriend from his sleep. I was working hard to find the live link online to see the competition. I finally found it and when I clicked on it, the first thing that was posted was a picture of Team USA’s vault scores. “Huh?!” Without my reading glasses I squinted to see a score next to Simone Biles name of 13.7 something. “That can’t be right.” I looked again. And noticed myself turning away not wanting to believe it. I was so confused. Being a former gymnast, coach, judge, and gym owner, I was very aware of the scoring system and where Simone had been scoring (usually in the 15’s). When I got the audio going with another channel, the gymnasts had moved on to the bar event, and I couldn’t tell what had happened. I had to go onto Facebook and seek out a fellow gym enthusiast who was up at this crazy hour. She responded with a simple “She bailed and only performed a 1 ½”. Then I saw the replay and was focused on her head position and eyes when they showed the replay. I was pulled back to my days in the gym and was almost dizzy following her head position while they showed the vault in slow motion. It was clear that she was lost in the air. I could feel myself not wanting it to be true. The fan and spectator was in denial and the former gymnast and coach knew how serious and very likely long lasting this (“Twisties”) was. I watched Simone put her grips on and then leave the arena and come back to the other gymnasts letting them know that they would be fine without her and that she was removing herself from the competition. I kept looking at her grips and the bar area hoping she would change her mind and it wouldn’t be true. I can only imagine what her teammates were thinking and feeling. And what it was like to be in that moment where decisions have to be made within minutes. As the US gymnasts moved from event to event, I could feel a shift in my experience and focused in on how this could be an incredible experience for the remaining gymnasts, while my sadness for Simone and disappointment was brewing on the side. I noticed that I was feeling worried about the US gymnasts not capturing the Gold medal and hadn’t even considered that they might be fighting for a medal at all. It took me until several hours after the competition to recognize the accomplishment of the Silver Medal WINNING USA Gymnastics Team. They had managed to navigate the loss of a strong teammate that they had relied on for years to carry them. And in this moment, on the biggest stage in the world, they were able to carry her. The Therapist part of me recognized that Simone’s decision to set a boundary to protect her body, allowed her teammates to experience and take on leadership and experience a strength within themselves that might not have happened otherwise. This reminds me of what I do now as a therapist, helping individuals, athletes, couples, and families set boundaries for themselves in order to support a healthy life for themselves and their families. Sometimes when couples or a family come in for therapy, there is an imbalance in the relationship(s) and setting limits and boundaries in the relationship(s) is key to change and health. These thoughts reverberated through me for the next few days as I struggled with the loss that I was feeling and grieving the outcome that I had hoped for (lots of mixed emotions).

I had “chalked up” my feeling of being in a daze on the day of the team competition to having awakened at 4 am. But I realized the following day that I was still in a bit of shock and feeling sad about Simone’s withdrawal from the Olympics. I realized, due to my experience as a gymnast and coach, that it was unlikely that Simone would be able to overcome this mind/body issue in two days before the start of the individual all-around competition. My thoughts swung to all of the time that Simone and her coaches had dedicated over the past years to this next ultimate goal. At the same time, I started to see the outpouring of support for Simone and referring to her as a shero. At the same time, I was also hearing that there were people that were calling her a “quitter”. In that moment, I realized that some people didn’t understand what was happening and that there was a safety element to what Simone Biles was going through beyond a conscious choice. It also had a flavor of a divided emotional experience so prevalent in our country over the past few years.

After experiencing my own emotions as I watched Simone and her decisions, I thought more about the filters that we all look through when viewing our world. We all have a unique experience when we look out into the world. When we are watching something like the Olympics or someone walking down the street, whether we are aware of it or not, we are projecting our own experiences onto the people we see in the world. It is part of human nature to make assumptions, and it can be difficult to know what that person’s experience is and what information we might be missing when making a judgement.

It’s hard to recognize when there is a mental or emotional injury, because we can’t see it with our eyes. The only thing in these situations that we can hold onto or use to make sense of the situation is our own personal experience.

The Olympics have always been known for “Grit, strength, perseverance, and working through “pain”. As a society, we often look up to athletes and celebrate them for their sacrifices and work ethic. So how do we identify what ‘limits’ are and when to set them?

We can see that Simone knew how to protect her body and her mind through her decision to withdraw from the Team final competition, but how do we know when to do that for ourselves in our own life?

How do we know when to push forward and when to pull back?

In therapy, we sometimes look at how our emotional mind (feelings, passion, desires) and rational mind (facts, logic, goals) can work together to create a “wise mind” (DBT- created by Marsha Linehan) in order to make healthy decisions.

In order to not just attribute meaning to an experience using our emotional experience alone, we need to engage our rational mind to look at the decision-making process: the “What” and the “How”. What are the components of making good decisions in sports? And how do we connect them in order to work together effectively?

Three important elements in making healthy decisions are the risks involved; the goal; and the values that we hold.

Risk- There is inherent risk in athletics. Looking at our preparation, goals, and risk in the moment (protecting the body physically from injury, psychological risks, emotional risks). Is it a sore ankle or something that could be further injured if I continue? Is it immanent pain at the end of a cross country or swim race, or an indication of an overuse injury or dehydration indicating need of self-care? Psychologically, how will this competition affect my confidence for future games and how I will view myself? Emotionally, am I overextending myself (poor boundaries)? How is being engaged in this sport affecting my daily emotional experiences and feelings about myself?

Goals- Examples of goals could be: I want to win this competition. I want to support my team during the game. I want to make the correction that my coach gave me this week. I want a college scholarship.

Is winning the main or only goal? Can the outcome, winning or losing, have a positive impact on future goals? How far in the future should we be looking? Athletes and coaches often talk about a “growth mindset” and how the process and what is gained outside of winning is so valuable.

Values- Values are the underlying driver in all decisions. What are my beliefs? Who am I as a person? What do I want for myself now and in the future: being a good teammate, loyalty, determination, self-care, longevity, winning, working hard, balance? There are also the values of the family, organization, sport, and culture of the country. What are my family’s, organization’s, and sport’s beliefs; and how do they impact me?

Exploring and evaluating our values is important because when we prepare to make a decision for our self or in support of another (partner, child, athlete), it’s critical to build self-awareness around our own biases, beliefs, and past experiences that create our own unique lens of the world and our relationships in order to make the most informed choices.

It reminds me of many clients, athletes, couples, and families that I work with. They often come in with a unique set of experiences that may not be fully understood, giving rise to self-criticism or internal conflict or external conflict in an important relationship with their partner, coach, parent, family, or organization.

When we are looking at values, we can look back at what our values were as a country in 1996. In the summer games of 1996, Kerri Strug performed a second vault after injuring her ankle on her first vault during the team final competition. When Kerri landed her vault, there was a moment of incredible excitement and pride for the USA; and individually, Kerri had performed at her best under pressure, which had been a struggle for her up until that moment. This was followed by Kerri falling to the ground in excruciating pain after severely injuring her ankle/foot when performing that second vault. In addition, it was later determined that the US didn’t need her vault to clinch the gold. If you were a fan of Kerri’s, you were aware of her desire to perform for the individual all-around title. That title at the time, ironically (when we look at doing something for yourself versus a team), was valued higher in the USA than the team gold. A moment of great accomplishment intertwined with great pain and loss. Kerri was coined a Hero after risking injury to help her team win gold. In 2021, 25 years after the Magnificent 7 captured gold, and after over a year dealing with COVID and the rise in awareness and support of mental health, another gymnast, Simone Biles, arguably the best gymnast ever, does not continue the team final competition after experiencing a mind/body disconnection (the “twisties”). Instead, she recognizes that she could get seriously injured or risk death due to her mind/body state. She also has the cognizance to conclude that even if she did try to compete, she might fall and affect the ability of her other teammates to perform at their best, and impede their ability to win a medal. Simone engages in differentiation (going against the expectations of gymnasts and athletes and patriotism) to protect her body and in doing so, also provides an opportunity for her teammates. Both of these gymnasts have been celebrated as Sheros at different times in our history. How do we make sense of this contrast in celebration?

We can look at the origins and history of sports and see that there has been a deep connection between sports and war. If we take on the perspective that these sporting events have an element of life or death to them which would indicate, especially at the Olympics, that this is the person’s entire life or mission or purpose. If you are at war, you can only think about now, the people you are serving with, and the country that you are fighting for. The motto of “win at all costs” makes complete sense.

Some of the sports also continue to include language that is similar to or previously used in fighting like “offense” and “defense” and actual events that use fighting or war-like movements such as wrestling, fencing, boxing, using horses, etc.

Even though the principles of the modern day Olympics include “non-discrimination, sustainability, humanism, universality, solidarity, and alliance between sport, education and culture”, and that the French man Baron Pierre de Coubertin who was given credit for bringing the modern day Olympics into existence had a vision of the Olympic games as a way to reduce war and bring a sense of community throughout the world, an undercurrent of a war mentality has existed in the sports worlds, even beyond the Olympics.

These undercurrents of “life and death” are also entrenched into our many cultures, for example, not discussing feelings or thinking beyond what is needed to get the job done due to past generations experiencing actual survival situations in which stopping to think or re-think might have caused you to lose your life or not meet your basic needs (safety, food, shelter).

There have also been and continue to be ingrained fears around having unfavorable thoughts or feelings and a lot of shame built into our existence around communicating or expressing these thoughts and feelings due to these fears. What does that thought or feeling mean about me and who I am? If I have that thought or feeling, does that make me crazy or weak? How will my family view me, and how will my family be perceived by others if they know about these thoughts or feelings? Expressing feelings (other than anger) have often been linked to being “weak”, which is the antithesis of what we think about when we look at top athletes. A lot has been learned about the human brain and psychological experiences of a human being over the past 100 years, but we are still just beginning to understand all that the human brain and human beings are capable of.

We have moved from an existence where we had more singular purposes in life to the information age, where there is an incredible amount of communication and connection throughout the world; people are living longer and are healthier; and individuals are recognizing themselves and their relationships in more complex ways and expanding (like the universe) what it means to be a human being. But this idea can be very scary, especially if we are used to things being a certain way or living in a world that has one “right” answer or one “good” answer. This can be terrifying if our identity is connected to our ways of being and our beliefs. As organizational psychologist, Adam Grant, wrote in his book “Think Again”, “Questioning ourselves makes the world more unpredictable” and “It requires us to admit that the facts may have changed. What was once right is now wrong”. He goes on to say that this experience can be “threatening [to] our identities”… “Making it feel as though we are losing a part of ourselves”.

With an evolved view of values, we can see Simone’s actions as fitting into a larger sense of human existence and purpose. Simone had a goal to compete in the Olympics and had been prepared for the risks involved in the sport of gymnastics through her rigorous training since her return to gymnastics following the 2016 Olympics. When she got into the team final and had an injury to her mind/body connection, she had to engage her values to make a decision to continue in the competition or withdraw. It is clear from a gymnast and coaching perspective that Simone made the only decision she could make in that moment. I think what people recognized as so admirable about Simone’s decision was the level of pressure she had on her and despite that pressure, she was able to take care of herself and make a decision that she would have made if no one had eyes on her. I think those watching could probably relate to being in a family situation or a social situation in which there is an expectation or pressure to do something that you don’t feel comfortable doing and how difficult it is to have the ability to be authentic in that moment. And Simone did that on the biggest stage, the World Stage. She was able to make an optimal decision when all signals from the outer world were telling her to continue to perform.

Simone’s decision extended out to impact her teammates, other athletes, spectators, the Olympic Spirit, USA Gymnastics, to the countless humans all over the world, including me, who then felt compelled to share my experience after watching her take care of herself in the most pressure-filled moment anyone could imagine. She gave us permission and inspiration to be true to ourselves in seemingly insurmountable circumstances.

See you next time at the “Chalk Bucket” ...